Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
