Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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