I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
