My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
