its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We smell like vodka and hangover
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