Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
did you just send me my own nude
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
