Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just made out with a guy for $7.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
