Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You ruined the universe
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
