No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
