fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
