I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
