Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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