Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
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and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
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It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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