she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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