i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
