Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she peed on how many people?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Randomize
