i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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