I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
