apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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