I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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