i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
