I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
