he thought i was a dude.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
