she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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