I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
