Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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