I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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