Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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