Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
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Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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