I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
