Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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