I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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