how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
