guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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