What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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