You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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