Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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