rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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