im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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