I think im going to throw up on grandma
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
