my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
