She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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