"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
