Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Randomize
