Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
