But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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