Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
