People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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