I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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