omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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