He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
