awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
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If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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