I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
