Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
