Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
