so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
