I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You can't motorboat a personality
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
