Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
