that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
